Monday, 16 May 2016

Not how I planned

As I type this I am sitting in the car overlooking the ocean. There is a can of wild turkey next to me and I am slowly sipping it. Which is actually a feat in itself because every fibre of my being is resisting the urge to down the whole lot in one gulp.

It is a grey drab overcast kind of day. The waves rolling in are loud and somewhat angry looking. Though that could just be my interpretation given my current state of mind. The wind is minimal, nothing more that a cool gentle breeze really. If the sun were not hiding behind the clouds so well there is a chance that it might even be warm today. It won’t of course. The warm days are gone for now as the cold icy winds of winter slowly begin to take over.

I so desperately don’t want to be sitting here. I want to be down on the sand. Feeling the grains between my toes. I am lazy though and have to many things I might want to take down with me. I want to be close to the car. There is car access point but I am too scared to drive on it. A single female with no shovel or recovery gear should not go driving on a beach when there is no one else around. Especially not with such a high tide at a beach she has never driven on before. 

So here I stay.

Alone and scared. Fearful not just of driving on the sand alone but of life itself and what it is about to bring to me.

I have been trying to ignore it for a while now, this dire sense of misfortune about to rain down upon me and destroy life as I know it. I kept telling myself it was all in my head and that there was nothing to be worried about. There was in fact no impending doom about unleash it’s terror and destroy my happy existence.

Only right here right now I am not so sure.

The sun has stopped hiding and I can feel her rays gently penetrating my skin. There is still little warmth to the glow but at least the golden ball can be felt. Sunshine helps ease my troubled mind. The roar of the waves has subsided some what as well. The out going tide seems to have less vengeance about it than that of the incoming.

So much deep breathing and sighing.

If I search down deep enough inside me, I think I know it will be alright. Maybe. Eventually.

Parenting is hard. So, so, so, hard. 

Parenting a teen is even harder. It is so reliant on the foundations set up in those early formative years. A time when I thought I had it sorted. A time that now I am not sure I did.

Off to my left, out the corner of my eye I see the local sea eagle circling. There are not nearly as many big predator birds down here as there are up north. I truly miss seeing hawks flying everywhere. Seeing this majestic bird circling above the sand dunes makes my heart momentarily swell. I bet she hasn't just started World War III with her eldest offspring.

I have always loved the freedom of birds. The power of having the wind beneath their wings and ability fly off to wherever they so desire whenever they so desire. No being stuck in the one spot for them.

My can is now empty. Much like myself. 

I had hoped that by the end of it I might have had an inkling of answer about what my next move should be. I don't. At all. Previous experience has also shown me that rarely is the answer ever found at the bottom of a bottle. Though it does temporarily ease the pain.

This was not how I had hoped my first post here would go. But I guess some things just can't be helped. 

I am Rhianna and these are my rambles