Today is a good day

Today, unlike many of late, has been a good day. Which has been rather nice. 

Of course now I am concerned that I have jinxed myself somehow and within the not too distant future all will turn to shit. I will however pay no attention to that stream of thought in the hope that it will disappear.

This post is a culmination of three attempts to write something. It might take a while but in the end I always manage to get there. To the end that is.

It's nearly quarter past two in the morning. Sleep, is sadly the last thing on my mind. It should be mind you. I don't get nearly enough of it. Yet here I am. Drinking a beer, listening to my 'Favourites' playlist, pretending to write while actually scrolling through Facebook. Which given the time is the most ridiculous aspect of my actions. It doesn't matter how many time I click the recent posts button, there will be nothing new to see. The rest of my world is snuggled up tightly in bed and fast asleep. Lucky them.

I know I should be as well, but for some reason I just can't drag myself there.

I started this four days ago.

Ok scratch that. 

I now started it six days ago. Two days ago I opened it up again and wrote the line about four days ago.

It is now nearly nine thirty in the morning. The children are trying to play hide and seek in a house that as far as I can see has no where to hide. Despite it being summer big black clouds fill the sky and a rather cool (and strong) breeze is blowing.

It is now a week since I started four days ago which makes it eleven days since I originally thought blogging at nearly quarter past two in the morning was a good idea. Only I have just gone back over are reread what I wrote. Man I can go on about mundane pointless crap. Let's just say it is quite possibly nearly two weeks since I tried to write something

As always in my life there are mountains of washing patiently waiting to be washed or folded, or probably even both. They are one of life's constants.

All the sighing.

While I may not have actually managed very well in the every day writing things are improving. Today has seen a landslide of words all over the place. Which is nice. Hopefully in the next three hours as I madly try and get everything done before I head out the door for work I won't regret any of the ways I have chosen to spend today.

Today has (so far at least) been a good day. I began a hundred day push up challenge. Which I happened to share 'live on Facebook'. The first time I have done so I might add. It's here by the way if you want to check it out

I do hope that you will join me. I am starting to think about how great it would be to get 100 people to join in with me. So far I'm at nine. Maybe I can give myself 100 days to find the 100 people and I will keep doing 100 push ups till the last person has completed their 100 days? 

A step backwards is still a step

Sure it might not be necessarily in the right direction but right now I am telling myself that it is better than nothing. Which may well actually be the current theme of the week.

It has just gone three thirty in the afternoon. In approximately one hour I need to be walking out the door to go to work. Before that can happen there is a list longer than my arm of things that needs to be done. Things that I have been trying to get to all day long but yet have just not made it. Super non exciting things like folding the washing that has engulfed the couch and cooking dinner and vacuuming and more bullshit along the same lines.

Why am I telling you all of this? To justify the crapiness of this post. After yesterday's, which granted wasn't fantastic, but at least had something, today's effort very much feels like a step backwards. But at least it is step right? More than anything I don't want to stay stationary. I want to keep moving, ideally forward but right now, for today, as long as I am making movement nothing else matters.

I had wanted to talk about signs today. This morning I came across this very old post from February 2008.  I'm still not very good at reading my signs somedays.  Actually maybe I am but for some reason unbeknownst to me I choose to ignore them. I'll add it to the never ending list of things to work on.

all the sighs

For now though I really must got sort the kitchen and organise some food to feed the masses with at dinner time.

Baby steps

Ok, so yesterday's attempt at writing was not exactly a great success. But life is sometimes all about baby steps and as little and crap as that post was there was no denying that it was a step in the right direction. Even if it was a baby step it was still a step.

So with that all in mind, today I take another baby step. Trying again. Which at this particular point doesn't actually look like it is going to be much better.

All the sighs.

Deep breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Surely there has to be something I can think of to say.
I just refuse to let my fingers stop typing.
The words, they must come. Be released and freed from my soul.

I guess the real problem is all the things I should be doing. All the things that last year I would go and do instead of forcing the extraction of words from my brain. I thought that if they didn't want to come why should I force them? A forceful person I am not.

My view as I type this. Not even
comparable to yesterday's view

The bloody washing machine just beeped again. For the millionth time I am sure. Fuck how I hate that relentless beep.

I'm worried that if get up and hang it out I will forget whatever it is I have to say here. Which yes, I know it is essentially just nothing, but did you know that something always starts from nothing?Always.


So I got up and hung out the washing. I then (naturally) had to put another load on. Which I have just realised will mean the dreaded beeping should be due to start again at almost any moment.

Mind you before I am able to hang any more out I need to get a whole heap in. It seriously is never ending isn't it?

But enough of my washing woes. Because let's face it, It is a well known fact that when you are a mother washing is never ending cycle of life.

Something is better than nothing

When I woke up this morning, it wasn't just a brand new day or month that brightly greeted me. Today is also the start of a whole brand new year. An opportunity that only comes around every three humddred and sixty five days or so. It holds so much promise and hope.

One of my hopes was I would write here more often.

For now though  this is all I have.

Just words

Whenever I am fortunate enough to make the time to sit and write my mind is naturally blank. Every single time. Even when I come here with an actual purpose or idea, by the time the browser is opened and I'm ready to go, the words have gone. Then all I can think of writing is, as I sit here staring at the blank screen... Which would be fine if I hadn't already used that as an opening line on the book that will probably never be published on account of the fact I will probably never get around to actually finishing it.

All the sighs.

Anyways, I have a slight problem, and I don't just mean about the lack of words I can think of to write. I have this other problem as well. Ok I have lots of other problems but there is one in particular that is causing me great angst at the moment. And is quite possibly the reason why I have this innate inability to write right now.

A very large part of me knows that if I were to share my burden then I would more than likely be able to find some resolve, but the thing is I am scared to say it out loud. I am scared to release it from my inner being because that would make it real and I am not sure I want to make it real. I am not sure that I can cope with the reality of my feelings.

So much sighing and deep breathing.

The other day I wrote a post here, full of nothing really. A release of my tension and anger at the time. It felt good. Writing has always been my release valve. My sense maker.

A sweary rant. Read at your own peril

While I sit here mindless staring at the blank screen willing words to magically appear I am also on hold to Telstra. Trying my very best not to explode into a million little pieces. I fear I may be failing.

We have been living at our current address since April last year. Yes that's right nearly twenty one months. We have had a Telstra account that entire time. About a month ago we thought it might be worth updating to the NBN. We had received a phone call telling us that our phone needed to be switched over to a new line and yadda yadda yadda. Getting NBN had always been on out to do list we just hadn't got around to it, but this seemed like just the push we needed. So we did it.

Apparently there was nearly a month wait for a technician and a box to be sent out. No worries we thought. We are in no rush. Today was supposed to be the day that it all took place. Only our box hasn't arrived.

What a surprise huh?

Only it wouldn't be such a big deal if our ADSL hadn't been turned off.

Yes no internet. Holy fucking smoke balls. How am I supposed to live in these circumstances????

At this very moment in time becoming a mass murderer is beyond appealing.

Now I know this may seem slightly extreme but it has been one of those days. You know the ones where the longer it goes on the more likely you are to end up rocking in a corner in the foetal position with tears streaming down your cheeks.

I fear I may well be at breaking point, that is of course unless I haven't already snapped.

The teenager is doing my head in.

I have no answers on how to deal not just with her but her after effects either. I can't cope. Anyone who said parenting gets easier as they get older obviously said that before they became a teenager.

Naturally the lack of internet right now is, in her eyes, all my fault. Of course. You see I disconnected the box this morning. On account of her being a right little so and so. Losing the internet is one of the few things I have left to take over her.

Fuck fuck fuck. Fuck it all. Sideways and wrapped in barbed wire.

There is a little under half an hour before I have to jump up and quickly cook some food before I run out the door for work. Six hours of supermarket shelf stacking on a Saturday night. Awesome (sarcasm font) Imagine that hey a font widely recognised as sarcastic so more tone could be given to the written world...

Anyway.

After having spent the day in the glorious sun, trying to sell books at the local school fete, I have plonked my rear end firmly in a comfy chair and refuse to move it until the absolutely last minute. Which sadly might be quickly approaching as I fear the girls are going to put too much water in their bath.

All the sighs. Kids huh?

20 minutes later

Yes, I was right, the bath did have a sufficient amount of water. It was well before the overflowing stage so I timed it quite well. I also used it as an opportunity to have a shower and start getting myself ready for the onslaught of working.

Mr Awesome has lived up to his name and kindly took on dinner duties for the evening. Egg and bacon with cheese croissants thank you very much.

Making the most of my time sitting down earlier I decided to check on the stats for APL, just to see what links had been found by the robots. I use this as a method of randomly reading over old posts and finding any editing issues that might need to be dealt with.

The post that I was taken to today was a prime example of why I was never asked to do many product reviews